Beautiful
by Nerva al'Thor
Summary: A tribute to the three greatest heretics of Gensomaden Saiyuki Gaiden.>>>>>>COMPLETED
1. Nataku

TOUSHIN TAISHI'S NOTE: This is dedicated to all my faithful readers, who have not lacked a single review for all the times we've been together. I love you all.

****

Beautiful

__

Heretic. 

An ordinary word for niingen and yokai, but it can spell a lifetime of hell for a god. 

Heretic, a nuisance to Heaven. Heretic, one who brings good fortune and ill luck. Heretic, defined by marks of unusual physique, uncommon ancestry, limitless power and an empty heart. 

__

I am a heretic. I have all the marks that make me nuisance to Heaven, yet, unlike others of the same Fate, I am not bound by steel chains.

All of our lives we had to cope up and bear with misery. Our early days were wasted over to pain and suffering. As children we never really had anyone, except perhaps Homura, who was lucky enough to feel the love of a family, the guidance of a true father and warmth of a mother who was never ashamed to tell them that he was her son.

Seiten Taisei Son Goku, having both eyes of the rarest golden orbs, yet loved by the Nature who gave him life. Of all of us, he can be considered the luckiest. He has friends, and he hasn't got to bear with the pain I have, or put up with a crowd that would call him "monster" behind his back.

Homura and Goku, both heretics by birth like me, both encased with chains and robbed of absolute freedom.

I look at my hands. Unchained, unmarred…_and yet…_

Now to me. _I, Nataku, forever doomed to be Heaven's killing machine_ (?).

As I stand here on this cliff, surveying the gathering soldiers underneath me, I contemplate upon my own life, and how am I interrelated to Goku and Homura through the blood I've shed, tears I've cried and everything else I have suffered. 

Unlike Homura and Goku who've had love from long ago, I have nothing of the sort. I am cold and alone, abused and not really knowing if I can manage once I am left to my own devices. My mother left me to the hands of the god who forced her, not really caring for her child except to have him separated from her because she thought him an abhorrence to the Nijuken clan whence they both came from.

Homura and Goku can feel emotions to their fullest. I cannot.

Seiten Taisei Son Goku, wanting those around him to be happy and doing all he can for them. He is protective of his friends. I envy him.

Homura, beloved of Rinrei and his friends. I envy him too. Does their love sustain him? Is it what makes him smile in spite of the fact that his true father, Tentei, ruler of Heaven himself, Almighty Creator, refuses to acknowledge his birthright?

Homura and Goku, both beautiful by the fact that they can love and feel. 

__

Am I beautiful? Are these sweet words enough to console me when I know I am just making a fool out of myself, oblivious, forcing to turn away from the truth? When will I have the courage to admit that I am weak and I depend on those who surround me? 

I cannot live without them–Death will be far better if they choose to desert me.

How shall I put it?

I cannot feel properly. What is outrageously funny to others can be very dull for me. In the other hand, what can be very funny to me can be offending to others. When anger surges through me, heating my blood, I am amazed that I can still contain it. I consider it as the most powerful emotion in me, shadowing all others.

__

Anger.

It might be the strongest emotion for all heretics. Homura has anger for his father and the whole damned heavenly public. Goku, angry at the gods who once tried to lock him in the mountain and leave him there to go insane, alone and friendless as the years passed.

Yet, in the light of things, there are still those who consider us Beautiful.

Homura, beautiful for his mismatched eyes and resemblance to Hou Mei of Ch'angan. Homura, beautiful because of his stout heart and unending courage. Homura, beautiful because of his enigmatic and (at times) childish personality.

Goku, beautiful because of the smile that can light up the world. Goku, beautiful because of his eternal innocence. Goku, beautiful because of the monster in him, restrained by the golden headband that can equal his eyes.

__

And then there's me…

Nataku, beautiful because of the blood on his hands. Nataku, beautiful because of his passion for killing. Nataku, beautiful because of his bitter silence and inability to free himself from the web of the title of Toushin Taishi. Nataku, beautiful because he's the Devil in the guise of a serene and graceful god. 

__

Beautiful.

Nay, are we really? 

I think not.

I think what makes us beautiful is the fact that we're not like them.

—The End—


	2. Goku

TOUSHIN TAISHI'S NOTE: Whoa! This is the first time a POV fic of mine garnered some reviews in its own right! Thank you to all those who read Nataku's chapter, and I assure you, your wishes shall be here. Thanks for the reviews! Keep them all coming!

****

Beautiful (_Goku's POV_**)**

Gold. 

__

Golden eyes, thou art ominous signs, and your bearer is doomed to endure suffering. 

Is this true? Does this apply to me, whose eyes are both golden? Why? I cannot understand why they hate me for possessing these orbs. Have I a fault? These eyes were just gifts, and am merely the receiver. 

Why do they hate me for having them?

There are people who still want to have in spite of these eyes, but why does the Heavens forbid me? Why do they all chase me? Why do they all want me to remove my headband? 

__

Heretic…

No, I am not a heretic! I AM NOT! STOP IT!

__

You're heretic, Goku, because you have golden eyes. You don't want to be heretic, huh? Then pop your eyeballs out and replace them! Come on, I dare you!

Am I really?

Like Homura…?

Like…like…Nataku?

Do they also hate them? 

Why is it that wherever we go, we're followed by prying eyes and whispering voices?

I can't understand it all…

I can't.

Homura, do you experience this kind of pain too?

Nataku, is this why you chose to be frozen in your throne, forever oblivious to the world, because this same world is causing you pain?

Come here, Nataku, I need your smile. I am cold. I am afraid.

Homura, help me!

Sanzo, where's your light?

Hakkai, Gojyo——anyone! Help me, I can't bear it, please!

Stop it, please…

Stop it…

Stop…

Stop…

I see Homura's mirthless smile. I see him before me, shaking his head.

__

We are nuisance to Heaven, Goku. And, being nuisances, we are forbidden to partake of even the simple joys of life.

I see Nataku before me, horrible red blood staining his hands and his robes.

__

Goku, you are lucky you have been blesses with innocence. You haven't seen real suffering yet.

They disappear.

Homura, Nataku, matte! Matte!

Gone, all gone. I am alone. Sanzo is not here either.

__

Beautiful…

Something stirs in me. I look down into the pool of water and observe my reflection.

Golden eyes…

I think in silence, emotions wild in me and memories, even the blurred ones. Then it comes to light.

__

Homura's chains…

Nataku's smile…

I reach up and touch my own face.

__

Goku's innocence…

I laugh. Laugh really hard until tears leak out of my eyes.

__

Homura, Nataku, we're beautiful after all. 

We're a lot more beautiful than them all, can't you see? 

Because, our difference makes us a cut above the rest. We're beautiful. We're the only ones of our kind. We're powerful. 

Isn't that wonderful?

__

Homura, come here and forget about them.

Nataku, rise from your throne and show them your smile.

We're beautiful! We have things that they don't!

—End—


	3. Homura

TOUSHIN TAISHI'S NOTE: Aww…first I want to say a real BIG thank you to all those who've reviewed Nataku and Goku's chapters! Thanks so much for the support you gave to this fic, and this chapter won't be out if you didn't want it! Thanks so much! A very, very BIG thanks and LOTS of hugs to: **Hikaru R. Kudou, YunCyn, Kenren19, Dysfunctional-sama, Yamamoto Kou, Real Circus, UltraM2000, cool_kid, ceres17, Thowra and to everyone else **(Sorry if I've forgotten to name you, it's just so many reviews and I'm losing my head with gratitude!!!) X_X

****

Beautiful (_Homura's POV_**)**

I'm a bastard. An unwanted child, whose father refuses to acknowledge him. I am chained, bloodstained and abused…a common Fate for a heretic with gold eyes. 

__

I lost my mother, I lost my life, I lost my dreams…

And it all happened when I brought to Heaven, presented to this—this cowardly god who claims himself to be my true father.

How ironic…

I thought things would go right, but they didn't. They came worse.

My mother died without even telling me the truth about myself. I was not niingen, but a kami. And all along I thought I was just an ordinary prince born within the forbidden walls of Ch'angan's Sunset Palace. 

__

Heretic.

Heretic because I am a bastard between a god and a mortal girl. Heretic because I'm unclean, a mass of filth who does nothing right but to make other gods' noses wrinkle with disgust. 

__

Damn them all…

Look at my hands.

Bound with chromium and iron shackles, each cuff weighing a ton. 

Shackles that cost me my freedom, all the simple joys I have ever enjoyed in the arms of the one person who didn't loathe me, my mother.

Shackles given by my own father, Heavenly King. That damnedest creature who's too cowardly to admit he broke the heaviest spiritual law of forbidding gods from making love to the creatures of the world below, Togenkyo.

My damned father, who detested others like me, forcing unclean jobs to us who're already unclean because of the cursed heavenly public who throw their filth and malice at us, corrupting our bodies, seeping into our minds and contaminating our souls.

__

Heretic.

Why do I have to go through all of this? I, who lived a good life of obeisance to those whom I thought were my real parents. I, who did nothing but to serve others and see them off happy. I, who didn't know about my true identity. I, who's just an innocent creature until now…

__

Toushin Taishi…

Ah, yes. The sweet sound of the title of the God of War. All-powerful, commanding all defense and offense forces under the eternal celestial universe. I have been caught in its deadly snare before, struggling madly, falling deeper and deeper, choking and gasping for breath, tears flowing from my eyes, unsure if I'd still be able to face the sun without burning under its rays.

__

Nataku Taishi, original God of War. My master and teacher, unclean like me, but one who lost all hope for any kind of salvation, surrendering himself to his ultimate Fate. 

Seiten Taisei Son Goku, Child of the Earth, powerful beyond compare, innocent but lucky enough to be isolated from a true heretic's world of pain, misery and death.

I have been recklessly thrown into the Sea of Blood before. My own sweet father did it to me when Nataku had enough. You'd start doubting if he felt even a little shred of fatherly love for me. 

__

Tears start to fall from my eyes…

Can you imagine how it feels? Can you see how much I have suffered? Can you see? Can you hear? Can you feel?

I have nothing in Heaven. 

Even Rinrei, my light in the dark, can't do anything for me.

I can remember very well. 

__

It was a wide and endless ocean, waters of the red blood, an ominous sign for all. My father pushed me into it, ignoring my cries for help, watching as I struggled to keep myself surfaced, swimming, flailing wildly against the denizens of the deep. The current bore me away from the land.

Blood went gushing into me, pushing life-giving air out of my lungs, pulling me into its grasp. My brain started to scream it had enough, my heart was starting to beat…my eyes went dark.

All I knew was that I was falling forever…

Sometimes I stare up at the stars, marveling at their freedom and light. How I envy them. How I envy every little human and demon down below. I envy them so much it makes my heart ache. 

I want to die but I cannot.

__

I was still falling into the infinite red when a firm hand caught me by the arm and started to pull me upward. I can see the glimmer of light, growing bigger and bigger.

Aye, fresh air filled my lungs. I breathe again…

I turned to find my helper.

Nataku, managing to give me an encouraging smile before sinking back into the blood once more. I try to reach him and pull him back up like what he did to me, but the sea swallowed him into nothingness. Then I saw land. I swam desperately until I reach the sands. 

Land under me once more, not the horrible deepness of the sea…

And then I realize, as if it had been there all along…

__

Heretic I may be, but I have beauty that outshines all others. 

Beautiful because I go on living.

Beautiful because I can still smile.

Beautiful because I have me.

Beautiful because I am me. I am Homura.

Beautiful because I can still walk with my head high.

Beautiful because I have had help.

__

Beautiful because I am special.

Beautiful because I am a heretic.

I remember a line from a poem…

__

It matters not how straight the gate, 

How charged with punishment the scroll;

I am the master of my Fate,

I am the captain of my soul…

Yes…I am beautiful…because I am special…

I am not like them, and I have things they don't.

—End—

*Poem stanza quoted from the poem _Invictus_.

**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review before you go!


End file.
